marriage is crazy

So i have been listening to a lot of complaints from people lately, as i tend to be the person people tell things to, whether i like it or not.

a common theme is regarding the balance of power/responsibility within a marriage.

I remember when i decided to get married i was completely practical about it, and considered the romantic part to just be a bonus. i tend to look at marriage like a scene from Fiddler on the roof, "i am in favor of such a socio-economic relationship"

reality on the other hand is that two personalities have to learn to live together. yes, two personalities. not one personality and then the other person who is there to compliment it.

marriage is complicated.

that is not to say that it is not worth it. i am in favor of such a socio-economic relationship. its just that its complicated. it takes time to get to know and accept the reality of a spouse. the beginning of a relationship is so mushy. i think the majority of the time we tend to project ourselves into the view we have of our hopeful mate, so that it is not them that we love but the part of ourselves that we see in them, and what we think they can do for our life's plans. the problem is, the other person is falling for the same thing.

so the complication comes from an inability to accept the reality of the person we are tied to. if i spend my time wondering why my husband doesnt act like i want him to, or more like my dad did, or less like my dad did, or more like the guy on tv, or more like the guy in my head, i am denying the truth about the man i am with. while we may think that trying to change the person to match more what we desire will help, the reality is, it is HIGHLY unlikely they will change, and highly likely that if they did, it would only be a new set of problems.

so again i am at "acceptance is the key to all my problems" my favorite quote. in this case, acceptance of differences. acceptance of a true shift in my lifestyle. acceptance of a responsibilty to allow myself to be part of a duo and not be self centered, acceptance of the fact that sometimes our differences compliment each other, and rather than trying to change it, embrace it and help it become something new.

because that is what marriage is. its becoming something new. a family. in my case, a senouci centered unit. rather than a lone jacqueline.